God in a box.

This past weekend I was able to head down to Murrieta with the women of my church to attend the Women's Retreat. I was very hesitant to go to say the least. Sure, I had friends that were going but wasn't entirely sure where I was going to fit in. My little hurt was stressed and began to get really nervous as I drove down the 91.

I have been feeling quite dry spiritually recently. Well, actually I don't know how to describe it. I feel like my relationship with Christ is thriving and I am connected to him a way that I haven't ever experienced before. What I mean by dry is that there isn't a lot feeding into my soul, I'm not gaining much. So knowing that I was going away to be fed this weekend was so exciting.

I was so excited knowing that God was going to show up in some huge way with the things we were going to be learning, little did I know that the major thing that I would learn wouldn't be directly from the teaching--more just correlated to it.

As I was debriefing my weekend over email to my sweet friend Nichole I came to the realization that I had put God in this box for the weekend. Granted it was a large box, giving him plenty of room to work and move, but a box nonetheless. I had given him the new information that I was going to learn and thought His work would stem from that, not even thinking that it might be some junk that I brought from home that He would like to deal with.

Saturday morning a dear friend of mine spoke on the necessity in fellowship for authenticity. She shared that we need to be honest with God, our self and others. The last section about being "real" with others in relationship caught me. It wasn't that I think that I am not being real, I feel like I have been taking big steps toward that in fact, but more that I don't have very many people to do that with. This idea of friends has been a big issue for me over this past year. The loneliness has begun to fade and I've got my game face on ready to tackle new relationships. But that is what God brought up in me, what is my next step? As I journaled sharing where do I go? Who do I seek? Do I seek? Will You send them?

As I felt these huge feelings of uncertainty and partial rejection of previous friendships I also felt a strange comfort. The feeling I got as a little girl when there was a HUGE crowd ahead of me at Disneyland. I was small and these  people were GIANTS. I saw my Daddy ahead of me stretch back his hand for me to hold onto and lead me through. Sure I bumped into a few people, may have stepped in gum, spilled soda or on an occasional shoe...but I made it. I trusted that holding on to my daddys hand would safely get me to the place I need to be.

This is a  trust I haven't felt in a long time toward God. I am beginning this journey ready. I have taken my deep breath, grabbed the hand of my Father and ducked in between the first two people of the crowd. I may not see the way or even how long it is going to take to get out, but I trust that the hand I am holding will lead me there safely and in the way that HE sees fit.

In addition to this journey's beginning I was overwhelmed with the grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus for me. At some point through the weekend we were prompted to close our eyes and picture ourselves at the foot of the cross and envision what happened there. When I closed my eyes I saw a great giant gold throne and a man dressed in a white robe smiling down at me. I was standing there, feeling so dirty, wretched and small. All the sudden my viewpoint changed. I was no longer seeing Christ through my eyes, but seeing myself through God's eyes. I saw this beautiful transformation of my little body into the righteousness of Christ. It was such a beautiful moment.

This stuck with me the whole weekend. this idea that I am righteous, restored, redeemed and renewed. It is such a sweet, sweet truth that I was able to sit with over the next day or two.

We sang a song that resonated so sweetly with my spirit twice. It shares the feelings that I have about being redeemed and restored by such a great God. On the last morning we sang this song and standing all alone in the back, with tears streaming down my face barely able to speak these words I sang this:

I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete

In the midst of life

God has me at a funny place in life.

I'm in this season of self-discovery and kind of hating what I am finding.
Hating all these things that I am feeling and hating even more that I have to sit with them.
Sitting these, sifting through and figuring out where and why it came about.

While I am single God chooses to do interesting things in my life.
He is preparing me I am sure, for hopefully one day a husband.
He is faithfully pruning my branches and I cling onto him with everything I have.

It's a interesting and beautiful place when Christ is the first one you turn to because there is no one else.
My tears, my hopes my dreams all laid down at his feet.
My unhappiness, my fear, my unbelief.

He is alive in me. I know that he is moving. I can feel a stirring in my soul.
I just kind of hate the way that He is choosing to do it.
Through pain and lonlieness.

But I have hope. I have hope that through this broken mess of my life, there is beauty.
I cling to the fact that I can trade these ashes in for beauty.

In my brokenness, I am complete at the cross.


My eyes, mind and heart have to be set on Christ in order to get through this.
I cant take them off or I fall and fail.
I dont want to be Peter, look down at the water and sink. My eyes must be fixed on Christ.

In Celebrate Recovery we say the Serenity Prayer...it goes a little like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that you will make all things right,
if I surrender to your will.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

This is truth. Even re-writing it right now I learned more what it means.
Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.

my special people.

I am grateful for parents who love me unconditionally. For a mom who has taught me more things in just her actions than I can count and loved so deeply I think it hurts. A women who has taught me grace and love and gentleness are all so very important in your life. A woman who has a never ending love for me. For a dad who is the most hysterical person I know. A man who loves me like no man has to this day and wont let anyone take me until he loves me more that daddy does.

I am thankful for a brother who snuggles me even when he doesnt want to. For a brother who lets me wake him up just to talk, or loves me with "two arms". For a brother who helps me be a better women and loves me at my worst. For the only man who will ever know what it was like growing up in this house of mine. For the person that I am the most protective of and who I cant talk about too much or I cry.

I am grateful for grandparents who stand behind me always. For a grandmother who has taught me to knit, crochet, sew, quilt, bake, cook and love. For a grandfather that taught me that hard work pays off and to never give up. For a couple who has beat the odds by giving love a second chance. For a grandfather who calls me "Amy Liz" and a grandmother who is one of my very best friends.

I am grateful for a cousin who has come out of a lot of things and has turned himself into an amazing man of great character. For a cousin who loves me like a sister and would never let a thing happen to me. For a cousin who has a quiet strength about him that provides comfort to me in times where I feel like if my life turned upside down he'd be there standing strong to provide comfort and love for me.

I am thankful for a woman that has become my blood. For a woman whose words of encouragement always are what I need to hear. For a woman who is my biggest fan. For a woman who stands beside me at a distance and provides support. For a woman who has never ceased to amaze me with her patience, love and mercy. For a woman who God so lovingly placed into our family. For a woman who over the years had become a place of safety and confidence. For a woman who loves me so fiercely that she doesnt even have to say it, I just know.

I am thankful for an aunt and uncle who LOVE me. For an uncle who is the most kind hearted, giving, selfless man I know. Who would give you the shirt off his back and his next breath if you needed it. For a man who has loved me so tenderly from infancy. For an aunt who holds me so sweetly in her arms to let me know that she loves me. For an aunt who loves in such a sweet way that you cant help but smile.

I am grateful for (another) cousin who lets me in. For a cousin who makes me laugh and in the next breath tells me how wonderful I am. For a cousin who has taught me strength and if life hits you, get right back up again and keep trying. For a cousin who is a strong, beautiful woman that is constantly growing and becoming  better and better. For a cousin who isnt sitting in the status quo when she knows she deserves more. For a cousin who fights for what she wants and loves hard when she gets there.

I am grateful for 3 kids from South Dakota. For their cute little accents you can hear here and there. For the love you feel when you hug them. For the smiles on their faces when you walk in a room. For teenage boys who in one minute are "too cool for school" and the next are playing intently with a 6 year old, doing whatever he wants. For a sweet girl who just wants to take a break and read, when sitting quietly sharing a warm afternoon reading books is her cup of tea. Seeing these three grow into strong people. Knowing that they are going to make something of themselves. For these three who I love dearly and wish lived in California.

I am grateful for the 6 year old who makes me cry when he tells me he loves me. For the boy who gets so sad when I cant jump on the "tramp" with him cause I have a dress on. For the boy who loves knowledge so much its inspiring. For the boy that is better at loving his enemies than me. For the boy who teaches me how to love better. For the boy who makes me melt when he smiles. For the boy who has learned so much about being a person of character in his 6 years of life it unreal. For the boy who is the center of my world.


I cant tell you how thankful I am for each of you, how you have each made me better. Thank you for loving me despite myself and believing in me even when I didnt have the strength to do it. Your support, encouragement and love does more than I could ever ask for and you could ever know. I love you all with an endless love.

two roads

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I --

I took the one less traveled by

and that has made all the difference."

I often find myself in this tension. This tension of making the effort and choosing the harder road, or allowing myself to follow the easy path. Recently I have found myself distant. I have chosen to allow time, sleep, food, friends, family, tv, almost anything to get in the way..and in some way I was okay with it. I find myself weighing the options. Is the good feeling that good? Is that bad feeling worth it? I am here, sitting in this tension of choosing to be intentional in my relationship with my creator.

Sitting in the tension has forced me to think about my two options. Playing one versus the other, chosing to be intentional versus faking it. I see vividly what Matthew was talking about in chapter 7: 13-14, 

 

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few."

 

Sometimes I feel like I am just walking with my head down, only looking a few feet in front of me to see where I turn next only to finally look up and see where I am, on a path leading no where. I quickly run back to the intersection and choose the narrow road. Then again later I feel myself walking through brush  avoiding the path I was on and trying to find my way to the wide path again. It is a struggle. 

I once again come back to intersection. I take a moment to look at the two roads. I see one that is wide, beautiful, green, covered in flowers and sunshine. I looks easy, a nice stroll. No uphill or downhill, just a straight walk. I continue looking down and see the very thing I do not want, eternity away from my creator. No thank you. I rid myself of the desire for that for the moment. I bring my gaze to the other road. I sigh. There is a narrow, dark, rocky road ahead. I see a continual uphill road, a battle. I look further down and see my savior waiting there for me. Resting on a rock in the shade of a big oak tree. His arms our wide with the most genuine, joyful, loving smile on his face. I see him whisper something, I feel it in my heart, my soul. 

"Come to me"

This is my struggle. The continual walking through the brush  toward the easy road only to turn around and sprint to the ugly path.I do this knowing the outcome will be better than the other. While most times the wide road looks nicer, there is nothing to it. There is no joy, no true happiness. While the other may be scattered with hardships and struggle I chose this....because I chose Jesus.

i be jammin :)

a few photos of my trip up to nor cal

a deep breath.

this sunday in church Ron spoke on sin. my heart has been stuck there for a while. this message was one of deep conviction and raw emotion for me. he explained that in order to rid yourself of sin, you must turn away from it completely...in every sense of the word. he then gave our congregation an opportunity to give those sins God laid on our hearts up.

we each got a small piece of white paper and had the chance to write down a sin that we struggle with on that paper. we then were asked to walk up to the stage and place them in various buckets and those buckets were taken outside to a live video. we watched as each of those pieces of paper were thrown into a fire pit indicating that sin being given to God, surrendered.

to watch so many people in my church body, my home walk up there and place struggles into that bucket almost moved me to tears. i know for me, that illusion was something that will stick with me forever. the struggle i placed in that bucket is something that i have been running from with a deadly fear and i feel like writing it down on that paper was my way of turning around, facing it and saying...."bring it"

i have been dwelling and processing here of what this looks like and where I go from here. Ron encouraged us to tell someone what this struggle was. i am not there yet. i am praying that God softens my heart to be at that place soon.

something that i have been thinking about and just tonight read in Romans 8, is the battle between our righteousness and our flesh, our new versus old self. i often times allow my old self to jump right back in and take over and allow myself to go places i dont want to be. speaking with a friend a few days ago she said, its like getting up and choosing to put on a different set of clothes in the morning. you have to get up everyday and chose the "new self" set of jeans and a tee vs. the "old self" set. this idea resonated so greatly within me.

i have a silly little thing i do when i am feeling overwhelmed in any way either good or bad, i take a deep breath. when i breathe in i say to myself "breathe in the Holy Spirit" and when i breathe out i say " breathe out sin and everything bad within me". although it may seem odd to you, it makes the world of a difference to me. its a quick reminder that i have a powerful savior on my team/side and being reminded that he dwells within me like that is such a sense of comfort.

i have found myself doing that a lot more within the paste few days. when i am tempted to chose sin, i take a deep breath to remind myself. not that this is the end all be all, because sometimes i still chose sin...but it has helped me quite a few times.

so this week, tomorrow, this hour, the next minute...i will be taking  breaths to be reminded that the spirit of an strong, mighty, living God dwells within me.

K.A.D.

the end of may every year holds a very special place in my heart. you see 7 years ago at this time i met this girl. i barely knew her and she was a friend of a friend. we were having a church-wide picnic and this certain friend brought this other girl to the picnic. she was fairly quiet and sporting awesome black converse. little did i know that this new girl was number one going to become my best friend and number two going to change my life forever.

her name is kacie. she also blogs. i feel like if i had hours to spend writing about how she has changed my life i could do that without stopping. she is the most cherished friend i have and as her and i just discussed, a forever friend. 

 

let me back up and explain a little bit of how we got to where we are today. we met the summer before my  junior year and her sophomore year of high school. we instantly connected and alongside the initial friend became the "three amigas" 

we were attached at the hip the three of us. no doubt, no hindrances. we went together. everywhere and to everything.  we went through boyfriends, break-ups, camps, deaths, family stuff, you name is we did it. we experienced the best and worst with each other and i would not have it any other way.

being a year older than the other two, i was there to graduate first. being a part of my family of course they were there to celebrate my big day with me. i graduated and went on to Biola University. a whole 20 minutes away, though it felt like hours. getting sucked into the biola bubble wasnt something that i expected and so our friendship had a dip. because her and maggie we still in high school they became closer while i did college. 

when the two of them graduated, being family to them, was there.

after graduation, maggie went away to school and kacie was left in long beach. this allowed a special time in our frienship that helped just us grow together as friends. still being away at school made it difficult and i will admit that i wasnt the greatest friend.  but we made it. i ended up coming home from biola and our frienship began to flourish.

then along came TA in July of 2007. i kept hearing kacie talk about this new boy at college group at church that was just dreamy. her and i have never really shared the same taste in boys. i was a little nervous as i walked into the in n out that night to meet him. WOW! he was juts so adorbs in his glasses. he hardly even paid attention to me as we met because his eyes were glued to kacie.  so cute right. later on in the summer, the first time they hung out outside of college group was going to harvest crusade with me. here is kace and on that night:

we had a blast and as we drove home after dropping TA off, i just had a feeling about this guy....who knew he would play such an important role in our lives. over the next few months TA became more involved in kacie and i's life because he became kacies bf :) he was beyond sweet to her and he LOVED me. (which were both things that HAD to happen). 

kace and i were hanging out one night, most likely watching either dog the bounty hunter or lords of dogtown for the 500th time and eating out salad and fries from volcano burger. we were upstairs in the bathroom getting ready and kace looks at me and says "how do you know if you are in love?" that gave me my answer right there. we gushed out boys and how we loved and how we were loved. she talked about TA and i listened intently thinking "i have never been more sure of anything for her in my entire life" 

on Sept 19th, TA did the most romantic things ever and proposed to my kacie girl. here is her and i on that night at her surprise engagement party in my backyard.

 

the next few months until may 23, 2009 were a blur of wedding planning, new ideas, wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid dress shopping, planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party.  i had the honor of standing beside my kacie girl that day as her Maid of Honor. the wedding was beyond beautiful and so perfect for the two of them.

just 5 days ago they celebrated their two year anniversary and i couldnt been more happy for two people in love. they are disgusting perfect for each other and make me so proud of them. 

so, this year marks 7 years of knowing the most beautiful, self-less wonderful woman i know. my best friend.

kacie girl, you are my forever friend. my best bud. my girl. i couldnt have asked for a more perfect person to be my best friend. you've been there for me, through the highs and lows. through my mountains and valleys.  you are such an fantastic example of a woman who is submitted to Christs authority in her life and who daily desires a deeper and more real relationshipwith our sweet jesus. i am sitting here remembering your bachelorette party, looking into your eyes as i washed your feet thinking "i am so lucky i have her in my life". you are a true friend, in every sense of the word. you have taught me more than you know as i have watched you slightly from afar these past two years. i am excited to see how God leads our paths this upcoming year. i am so happy that you are a part of my life in such a deep rooted way. 

thank you for all that you have done, are doing and will do for me. you have changed me forever and i am eternally grateful to you. 

i love you kace <3

captivated

cap·ti·vate

–verb (used with object), -vat·ed, -vat·ing. 1. to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant:
  
i have recently become captivated, more so then in the past. i am enchanted by my savior. i have been praying that God would pull me in, that he would give me a HUGE desire for a deeper relationship with him. these past few days i feel like i just cant get enough.


words of worship songs are coming more real to me, they are hitting me in places ive never felt.

"My dead heart now is beating, My deepest stains now clean. Your breath fills up my lungs.Now I'm free. now I'm free"

i have sang these words so many times, but recently i actually sat and listened to the words. oh my goodness. HIS breath fills up my lungs. HIS breath. to know that God is dwelling, living, residing within me has been overwhelming. to know that my thoughts, words, actions no longer have to be my own but Christs. that i can rely on him to fill me up.

my heart feels so full and free. i cant explain this feeling. i am joyful in everything, i am praying more unwaveringly, i am loving more sacrificially, i am listening more intently, i am feeling more fully. and all of this is because i am captivated.



fill me up God.

its 90 degrees, where are you summer?

so, today it is a wonderful 90 degrees. i am sitting outside on a chair doing homework and blogging because its too fabulous to miss the sun. sometimes i hate the heat, but today i love it. it reminds me how lucky i am to live where i live. i love southern california. its only may 3rd and it feels like july.

speaking of summer, i only have 3 weeks left of school this semester (PTL) and then its party time. spring break was awesome, but i never feel like spring break is a tease of summer because im always busy with things. this time i went on a mission trip to san diego with jr.high and we worked there for 3 days. God was totally working in the hearts of my girls and one of them gave her life to jesus (again PTL). then i came home and was able to relax a little bit but then granny went into the hospital friday. she is out and fine now, but kinda scary none the less.

so, needless to say..i am ready for summer. although i am doing summer school. i am READY for the heat. reading a friends blog today, she had a list of things that she want so complete/do this summer. im a fan of this idea and decided to make a list of my own. here you go.

summer 2011

(( 1 )) go to the beach at least once a week (hopefully)

(( 2 )) get a tan 

(( 3 )) get great grades in my summer school classes

 (( 4 )) hang out with my friends all the time

(( 5 )) meet someone who can teach me to play guitar

(( 6 )) have 4 bonfires just cause

(( 7 )) have a GREAT 4th of july -- its my favorite holiday

(( 8 )) ride a motorcycle

(( 9 )) go on a road trip (mini or long)

(( 10 )) disciple one or two of my girls

(( 11 )) go on bike rides

(( 12 )) spend time in the sun everyday 

(( 13 )) wear more dresses

(( 14 )) do something really active 2 times a week

(( 15 )) deep clean my room, move furniture around, PAINT
(( 16 )) go camping
(( 17 )) hike to/see in person the Hollywood sign
(( 18 )) pierce my ears again
(( 19 )) take TONS of pictures
(( 20 )) make lots of fun playlists
(( 21 )) go on dates with Joe Boy
 (( 22 )) go to the orange county fair
 (( 23 )) ride the train somewhere for a day
 (( 24 )) throw another camping party/sleepover
(( 25 )) go to state street in Santa Barbara
 (( 26 )) go to venice
(( 27 )) go cliff/rock jumping somewhere
(( 28 )) start to garden
(( 29 )) tie dye party!
(( 30 )) go to the mountains to star-gaze at night
(( 31 )) go to a flea market
(( 32 )) boys vs. girls epic water war
(( 33 )) pull an all-nighter
(( 34 )) prank war
(( 35 )) play charades

i'll try to document all of these as i go :)

he took my place.

the cross is heavy on my heart today.

my mind wanders to what it would have been like to experience that. to look into the eyes of a man who sole purpose in life was to come and endure pain and death for me.

i look up into his face and expect anger or bitterness that he is there and i am not. resentment even, because that it what i would feel. anger that he must do this in my place. resentment that my sacrifice would not be enough. bitterness that he had to leave the fathers right side to come here.

as my gaze slowly meets his, i see love and forgiveness and acceptance and sacrifice and joy. i see love because he desires this for me. he wants to be my atonement. i see forgiveness for the men that are doing this too him. i see forgiveness my my past, present and future sins. i feel the blood washing off of me. i feel clean and pure. i am right with God. i see acceptance of my sinful self. i feel wanted and desired from someone who knows my full well. who created me beautifully and wonderfully. i see sacrifice of the highest. i see his willingness to do this. he knows that it is his fathers will, he must. i see joy. i see the meeting between him and his father. i see him seeing all the people who will follow him because of this. i see joy that he knows he is coming back to reign. i see love.

i am overwhelmed that i am worth that. this wasnt done as a quick fix, or an easy answer for righteousness. it was a well thought out plan. he knew what he was doing and was willing.

as i look at my life, i am so not worthy of any of this love. i am a wretched sinner who daily turns away from the one who loves and created me. the thought that a man would come and take my place in death is astounding. he did it for me, he did it for love. he did it so that i could be seen as he is. righteous.

oh how i love this. he came for me, he cherishes me, he longs for me, he enjoys me, he created me, he desires me, he pursues me, he died for me, he loves me

thank you father for you death today.

SGO

about once every 2 months, i have something called SGO (( small group out ))

last night was our 3rd or 4th of the year. we went 80's themed roller skating.

it was quite an adventure. see, we got to the roller rink to find out that the "free skate" or wednesday nights had been cancelled because a church has rented it out. boo. good thing we were right around the corner from boomers. we thought on our feet and decided to go mini golfing instead.

here is a photo of us waiting for everyone to get there:

finally everyone had arrived! a girl in my small group brought a friend. this friend (lauren) had a mom that wasnt happy that we didnt get to go roller skating. she said she was going to go talk to the pastor of that church and she if she could get us in.

SHE DID IT! so we ended up crashing Calvary Chapel Huntington Beach's Family Skate night.

it was so awesome. we were decked out in our 80's gear and they looked at us all funny, but we didnt mind!

here are some photos from the evening!

 

::this one might be my fav:: 

just a little too much

do you even get so overcome with love that you feel like it bursting out of you?

thats how i feel when i look at this boy. everytime. all the time.

i love him so much.

never thought i had the ability to love this much.

the last four.

well, here are the last 4 days of my 30 day blog challenge. have to admit, kinda happy about it :)

day 27 -- your day in great detail. 

friday april 15th contained:

7-10 - work.
10-1020 -went home and got changed
1045-1- met Cheryl at her apartment, walked down Bluff Park and down 2nd to Shorehouse Cafe and had a fabulous sandwich. loved it. walked back down to her apartment on Long Beach beach and was so happy. got a little bit sunburned, but was totally okay with it.
130-330 - cleaned the bathroom, finished laundry, cleaned the dishes and kitchen
330-630-  went to the airport with mom to pick up cousin sarah from south dakota, drove to costco, got dinner ((pizza, salad, chocolate cake,diet coke)), heard a girl (probs 17ish) screaming at her mom, cussing at her and kicking her feet cause she "didnt want to go f***ing home." (nice girl right?)
630-930- at home, ate dinner, went on the roof with joe boy, played with joe, talked, hung out
930-? - layed around the house, played on the computer, watched TV and went to bed. pretty great if i do say so myself.


day 28 -- a picture of you last year and now. how have you changed since then.

then:

now:
 

i have changed a lot since that time. the first picture was taken on spring break last year (2010) and the new picture was taken last tuesday at the Chris Tomlin concert. some things that have changed since then, dont have a boyfriend, working in jr. high again, got front bangs, loving my family more, Jesus is more real to me, friendships are more real to me. there has been a lot of growth in my life since then. i have had experiences that have broken me and allowed me to get stronger and become who i am. i also have things that are so great that i am able to share with the lovely people who surround me all the time.


day 29 -- a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

i have two:

carrie underwood: ill stand by you

bob carlisle:  butterfly kisses

day 30 -- explain how you got one of your scars

 well, when i was in hawaii last summer. the family and i went to Kipu Falls. ((so fun!)) it is like a 2 story tall cliff that has a lakeish thing at the bottom. so, i jumped off. it was fantastic! my nerves were so high that when i finally swam to the side to get out, i was shaking. i climbed up the janky ladder that was there and was walking back over to jump again. i was so excited and jumpy that i didnt notice there was like this dark abyss beneath my right foot, i slipped down and scrapped the crap out of my shin and bruised it. at the time it didnt hurt because my adrenaline was so high. after that wore off it hurt. so, yeah. pretty cool story :)

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 24-26

took a few days off to tell you about my life. so here is another catch up day.

day 24 -- a letter to your parents

dear mom and dad,

thank you. i feel as if those words could be said every second of every day for the rest of my life and it wouldnt be enough. thank you. i love you forever and always.

love,
me


day 25 -- what would i find in your purse.

mirror, keys, phone, chapstick, lip gloss, pens and pencils, wallet, planner, notebook, glasses, sunglasses, advil bottle, word search

day 26 -- what do you think about your friends.

i think they are the bomb.com. i have awesome friends who are so loyal and fab. im a lucky lucky girl.

i am part of a symphony.

1  Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord from the heavens;
praise him in the heights!2  Praise him, all his angels;
praise him, all his hosts!

3  Praise him, sun and moon,
praise him, all you shining stars!4  Praise him, you highest heavens,
and you waters above the heavens!

5  Let them praise the name of the Lord!
For he commanded and they were created.6  And he established them forever and ever;
he gave a decree, and it shall not pass away.t

7  Praise the Lord from the earth,
you great sea creatures and all deeps,8  fire and hail, snow and mist,
stormy wind fulfilling his word!

9  Mountains and all hills,
fruit trees and all cedars!10  Beasts and all livestock,
creeping things and flying birds!

11  Kings of the earth and all peoples,
princes and all rulers of the earth!12  Young men and maidens together,
old men and children!

13  Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for his name alone is exalted;
his majesty is above earth and heaven.14  He has raised up a horn for his people,
praise for all his saints,
for the people of Israel who are near to him.
Praise the Lord! 

last night i went to a chris tomlin concert.  i went with my 4 best friends and it was the best night I have had in a long time. sometimes i feel like God uses peoples stories to push into my heart. last night he used Louie Giglio. that man is so insane in love with jesus it pours out of him. during the middle of the concert, louie came out and started talking about psalm 148 (above). he describes how there are so many things in this world that create a symphony for Christ, an audible symphony. he let us listen to two different stars that rotate on their axis a certain number of times a second and it makes this awesome sound, one like a drum and one like different notes right after the other. he then let us listen to whales singing. he then combined them all together and added it "how great is our god" chorus and it was the most moving thing. i got chills as the tears rolled down my face. 

here is a video of all the sounds complied. SO moving. (this was in baltimore, but it was the same thing as we heard!)

 i mean, how insane is that? so beautiful. and to think that is only a small bit of what God hears at all times. he went on to explain hod God wants YOU to be a part of this beautiful symphony. he desires YOUR voice. so insane. this was one very moving and incredible experience. 

as he whispers

i recently had a talk with a sweet friend of mine. we were talking about how sometimes we feel like there is no big sin issue in our lives, that we just feel okay. i talked about how that can easily lead into becoming stagnant and how that isnt what i want. we both felt that in that moment God wasnt really telling us something that we needed to work on, that he was just showing us grace and love from himself.

of course, after talking i prayed that if there was something that i need to work on or let go off that he would make it very clear to me. you see, for as long as i can remember i strive to listen to God's voice and his call on my heart. i think i miss it because it doesnt come in some fancy box. i have now realized that mine my not come with thunder and lightning but rather in a whisper to my heart, an overwhelming feeling. it penetrates my soul when given the oppotunity to sit quietly, its the first thing i can think about.

i was sitting in church on sunday morning and this happened. there is a relationship in my life that is quite frustrating. i cant tell what the reason is, but i know that it isnt right. we had a moment mid-sermon to quiet our hearts and listen to God. the FIRST thing that came to my mind was the talk to this person. to approach them and ask for forgiveness and reconcile the relationship. i knew it was God speaking because i couldnt let it go for the whole day. still now, as I sit here i am thinking constantly about the conversation i must have. i have been praying that it goes well and that neither they or i feel attacked.

i thought that was it, i thought that was all that God was going to give me. hahaha, i think that is what he does when I say things like that. later that night i went out to Biola with a few friends for a weekly worship service they have called Singspo. i LOVE this. as i was standing there worshipping listening to the words, I felt this overwhelming feeling of surrender. i felt that i had been holding onto my own life and my plans so tightly that I wasnt giving them to the one who deserves them. i fell to my knees asking that he would "rid me of myself". those words have been repeated in my heart over and over again for the past 2 days. rid me of myself. know that i am not my own.

this is a struggle. to give up what i want, and trusting that God knows better. i struggle giving up control. yet the joy of letting go is so much more than the joy i get from controlling my own life. i have to remember that.

i am not my own, rid me of myself father.

this song is the song that most reminded me of this thought. it resonates with my soul and expresses my heart in this moment.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 23

man, this is hard to keep up with.

day 23 -- something you crave often.

 

the end.

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 22

day 22 -- what makes you different than everyone else.

i have tiny, underdeveloped ears.
that my toenails are ALWAYS painted (except for now, im letting them rest for a few days)
i love wearing jewelry, but hardly ever wear any.
i love the freeing feeling i get when i am in the water.
i love scars because they tell stories.
i love to quilt, and im pretty good at it :)
my closet is in rainbow order.
my favorite flowers are tulips.
i am a sucker for reality TV.
i LOOOOVE wind.

those are just a few things  :)

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 18-21

so, again i have been lacking. school is getting pretty hardcore. nonetheless. here we GO!

day 18 -- plans, dreams, goals you have.

well, i made a list a few months ago about things that i want to do in 2011 and then another one of things i want to do before I die.

this is my list for 2011. i have completed some of them, but not as many as i would have liked.

my list for my life is rather long, but ill pick 10 things to share with you
1. Take a trip to Israel to see the sights of the bible
2. Dance surrounded by fireflies
3. Be in Times Square on NYE when the ball drops
4. Run a marathon
5. Ride a camel
6. Be a regular in a restaurant as an elderly woman
7. Do a Christmas night annual party every year
8. Get a piece of jewelry from every place i visit
9. Have a library
10. Create a pot or vase that i love.

day 19 -- something that stresses you out.

 when i loose control or feel like i cant get everything done in the time that i have to do it in. also, driving behind or around a big rig or car carrier. no thanks.

day 20 -- hope for the future.

i would say essentially my hope is to fall in love, get married, have kids and love Jesus more each day as i long along in my life. also, that my kids would be passionate followers of Jesus.

day 21 -- picture of something that makes you happy.

there are so many things, i am having a hard time finding things. there are so many. UGHHH!

this boy

 my hair blowing in the wind

 older couples who are still fantastically in love.

whole-hearted worship