30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 12

 looks like i accidentally had two day 6's...so we are going straight to 12 to work things out in my head :)


 Day 12 -- How you found out about blogger and why you made one.


Well, the reason is mostly because of my sweet friend Kacie. You can find her wonderful blog about her and her husband and their fabulous dog singer and there adventures HERE.

I followed her on her blog for over a year before realizing that a lot of my friends have these. I was having a rough few months and felt like a needed a writing outlet and so one day, i just created this little guy. I know a lot of people dont read this, and that's okay. I just like it. I like having a place to write.

thats it. just kacie and an outlet.

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 9 and DAY 10

Day 09 -- Songs you listen to you when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped and mad.

well, im not MUCH of a music guru. i kinda just go along with what friends tell me and whats on the radio. i feel like the songs i want to listen to depend on what the situation in my life is. so, right now these are the songs i listen to when i am:

HAPPY

Ridin Solo by Jason DeRulo

SAD

A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

BORED

The Greatness of our God by Hillsong

HYPED

I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas

MAD

Gives you Hell by All American Rejects

Day 10 -- a photograph of the town that you live in

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 8 // Al's 21st Bday

Day 08-- Something that you are proud of in the past few days


I think for me, my pride is in my healing and growth. About two weeks ago, I had a real honest conversation with God. I told him I was tired of feeling down, sad and depressed about the break-up and I was ready to start healing and growing from it. For a long time, I was wallowing. I mean that in a goo/bad way. I think that wallowing is good, I feel like I have gone through a few stages. 1) shock, 2) depressed, 3) anger (my personal fav), 4) sad again, 5) numb and now I am at healing.

I don't really know where this little journey of healing through a break-up will take me, but I'm in it. I know that God has worked everything so far together for my good, and I am sure that He will continue that.

I am proud of my growth and healing thus far and cant wait to see how far i will go.


P.S. Wednesday was Al's 21st. we went to Kobe Steak House. SOOO good. here are a few photos.

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 7

well, I have made it a week without missing one day. this is easier than expected! go me!

day 7- short term goals for this month and why

1) give blood.

i tried last week and my iron was too low ( thank you stress of my life leading to my iron levels being 0.7 points too low to give). i really honestly love giving blood. i have O+ blood. i also have some other special thing about my blood that gives me more antibodies than the normal person. so my blood is primarily used on pre-mature babies and leukemia patients because they lack antibodies in their blood.

2) finish my CA history paper 2 months early.

i have a paper to write about "Freedom Writers" the movie and it isnt due until finals. i would love to get it done and out of the way so that ill be able to focus more on studying for finals when i get there.

3) go SKYDIVING!!!

ron told me that we are going to go in april. i think he may have chose April 9th. i cant wait. i get a little nervous about it when i think about it for too long, but i'm still STOKED! this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and i cant wait to check that off my bucket list.

4) see Chris Tomlin with my GIRLS!

 i have seen Chris Tomlin twice in concert, and he is great! i looooove his music and the way that he puts together an event.  i also cant wait to experience this with my sweet best friends. they mean the world to me and i couldnt think of anyone else to go with~

5) get my application for Kenya filled out and turned in.

i know that i wrote about maybe going to kenya a while ago, but it is STILL on my heart. i cant wait to see if God has that in the plans for me. such an exciting experience and serving God in such a unique and special place. PTL!

6) Apply for another job and get an interview.

if anyone knows of anything, let me know. i would really enjoy another job, giving me something to do and more money!! holler.

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 6

day 06 -- a picture of something or someone that has had the biggest impact on you.

i couldnt pick just one, so here are a few.

1) The Cross, taught me love and surrender.

2) Joseph Charles Lovers, he taught me unconditional love.

3) Momma, she taught me forgiveness and how to be a strong, vibrant woman of God.

4) Kacie Alisa Downing, she taught me friendship.

5) Celina Marie, she taught me that i can make a difference.

6) Trav, he taught me independence and to rely upon Jesus

7) Kyle Devlin, he taught me how a man leads in relationship.

8) Todd Downing, he taught me that God has a plan for EVERYTHING.

9) These girls, taught me how to live :)

I have so many special people and loved ones in my life, just wanted to highlight a few.

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 6

Day 6-- What has God been teaching you lately?

FAITHFULNESS. 

plain and simple. he was and is and always will be there. in the moments of weakness and strength. failure and success.  he is there.

one of my favorite things to do is look back at my life and see the ways that God has moved in my life.

and he isnt stopping.

thank you jesus.

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 5

Day 5- A picture of somewhere you have been to

 Shipwreck Beach, Kauai, Hawaii Summer 2010

 Hanalei Bay, Kauai, Hawaii, Summer 2010

 Sibiu, Romania Summer 2007

Sibiu, Romania, Summer 2007

P.S. the red roof is a church we support in Romania (Betania)

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 4

day 4: a habit you wish you didnt have.

 

one of my habits that i kinda love and kinda hate is that i will choose sleep over almost anything. i NEED my sleep. when it gets dark i get tired. i know, im like an old lady but i dont care. i am well rested. i usually get between 7-10 hours a night. i dont really function well on less than that.

i dont really love it because i could be doing things as night like homework or hanging out, but my brain kinda ceases to function well into the night. haha. oh well, at least im not exhausted all the time.

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 3

Day 3: A picture of you and your friends.

well i couldnt pick just one so here are quite a few

i have some pretty lovely people in my life.

the end <3 

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 2

The question is..." What gifts has God given you?"

I recently took a spiritual gifts test and my answers were:

1) Mercy

2) Hospitality

3) Administration

when i first read these, i was like are you kidding me? mercy? if you know me at all, i am a pretty straight forward person, i dont beat around the bush i say it like it is, im honest. so, i didnt really understand that. after reading over the explanations of these 3 things i couldnt have pinpointed my personality better if i tried. God has given me gifts that desire to know and help people. i am so excited about using these gifts with my 6th graders as well as my friends and family.

i also think that God has given me other gifts like the desire to encourage. my heart lights up when i get to encourage or affirm people with my words. i was reading a friends blog recently and she said that she loves to give words of affirmation, but she is just realizing that isnt how everyone feels love. it was such a good reminder that not everyone loves words as i do. but it doesnt hurt to send notes, emails or texts reminding the people you love how special they are to you.

i also think that God has given me the gift of being "outgoing" whatever that means. i have come to realize as i grow and mature that though i am a leader, i enjoy being a follower as well. i enjoy alone time or spending time one on one with friends. i enjoy engaging and cultivating deeper relationships with people. i think that God has made me perfectly relational and i love it.

so, that is what God has gifted me with that i can see. am i missing anything?

LOVE. <3

30 blogs in 30 ((ish)) days.

here is my list, judge me.

Day 01 - A recent picture of you and 10 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02 - What gifts has God given you?
Day 03 - A picture of you and your friends
Day 04 - A habit that you wish you didn't have
Day 05 - A picture of somewhere you have been to
Day 06 - What has God been teaching you lately?
Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09 - Something you're proud of in the past few days
Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11 – A photograph of the town you live in

Day 12 - How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13 - A letter to someone who has blessed you recently
Day 14 - A picture of you and your family
Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16 - A picture of a favorite/recent memory
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Something that stresses you out
Day 20 - Hopes for the future
Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23 - Something you crave often
Day 24 - A letter to your parents
Day 25 - What I would find in your purse
Day 26 - What you think about your friends
Day 27 - Your day, in great detail
Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then
Day 29 - A song that makes you cry (or nearly).

Day 30 - Explain how you got one of your scars.

so, here goes number one :)

Day 01-A recent picture of you, and 10 random facts about you.

on my 24th birthday with Nichole :)

10 random facts about me...

1) Every night before I go to bed, I count the hours I get to sleep. 

2) I thrive when I get to organize. I love it, it helps me think clearer.

3) I don't wear socks that are plain, ever.

4) I hate my eyelashes.

5) I LOVE the wind, whenever and wherever. I have since I was a little girl.

6) The first thing I wanted to be when I was a little girl was a hair model for shampoo commercials, and I used to practice flipping my hair at the beach.

7) I HATE going places alone.

8) When I take showers, I turn on the water, close the curtain in the front and get in from the back of the shower. Every time.

 9) I only make my bed when I change the sheets.

10) I've had the same alarm clock since I was 10. It works great!

back tomorrow for day 2 :) 

healing

"Few will associate with the despondent, but Jehovah chooses their company, and abides with them till he has healed them by his comforts. He deigns to handle and heal broken hearts: he himself lays on the ointment of grace, and the soft bandages of love, and thus binds up the bleeding wounds of those convinced of sin. This is compassion like a God. Well may those praise him to whom he has acted o gracious a part. The Lord is always healing and binding: this is no new work to him, he has done it of old; and it is not a thing of the past of which he is now weary, for he is still healing and still binding, as the original hath it."

i have been thinking a lot about healing in these past few weeks. i was reading my bible and came across a verse in psalms

Psalms 147:3-" He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"

i laid with this verse for a moment or two and decided to look up commentary on it. which is when i found the  big paragraph at the beginning. i feel like this so beautifully pictures the way that Christ heals. he has the softest, sweetest hands as he mends and molds our hearts. as i continued to read commentaries i came across another one that was talking about how the greatness of God doesn't take away from his deep love for my little heart. i relish in that. as i look up at the stars at night (when i can see them through all the smog) and think he chose where each of those would be. he named them all by name and put them specifically in that exact spot so that the night sky would be beautiful and show his greatness. i look at the mountains and think he pushed all that earth together to form that wonderful mound so that it looks, smells, feels the way that it does so that his greatness would be displayed. this God is great, huge, beautiful.  not only is he these things, but he is small enough to hear my heart and know when my words are not enough to explain my emotions. his heart breaks with mine and he longs to put my back together. 

  

"oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now 

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now"

 

sometimes a girl just needs to laugh.

went online and found some of my favorite movie clips just to giggle:

1. Grown Ups

2. Baby Mama

 3. Elf

4. National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

 

5. The Sandlot

 

being fought for daily.

recently, things in my life have made me feel almost as if i am not worth a fight. i am not worth getting into the mud and the dirt for. i am not worth fighting for. i am not worth seeing if putting in the work will pay off. i am seeing people give up and walk away out of fear and lack of effort.

as i have been sifting through all these emotions that come from this, i am feeling more and more fought for and pursued by my savior. i know that he thinks i am worth fighting for. he fights on my behalf everyday.

everytime i see this video i cry like i baby. i am so moved by the imagery it portrays. my favorite part is to watch the man that plays God. to know that this is  only a small amount of the emotion God feels on behalf of me. i also really identify the girl. i feel as if i get caught up in my life and it all looks so good, and yet God is there on the side waiting for me, trying to get my attention and i forget to give it to him.

I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

the fog.

i am overwhelmed. completely and fully overwhelmed. in this moment, i feel like i am sinking, like i am drowning. i feel as if people are watching me fall and sink and either making it worse, or not doing anything to stop it. i dont think that people know how much i am hurting, i dont think i allow that part of me out to many people. i am stuck in this. i dont know where to go, i dont know what the next step is, i dont know how to feel. i feel lost and hopeless almost.

for all of you out there who read this, i know the Jesus answer. i know that i have hope and faith and things within him. but in this moment i am lost and hurt. i feel as if i cant bear the weight anymore of my life. i feel like everything is pilling up so much that i cant even breathe safely. i cant take a deep breath, i cant take a step or have a quiet moment without being overcome with  pain and hurt.

i feel like i could handle all these things if i were given them one at a time. i feel as if life would be manageable if i could do it one at a time. but i feel like God has allowed all these things at once and i cant even deal with each of them separately because they are all equally pressing in my life. they are all things that i cant just let sit while i deal with the other ones.

through all of this, i have been thinking and talking to a lot of wise people and i feel as if this is a place where surrender needs to be seen heavily within my heart. i feel like i am trying to carry all this on my own and that is why i feel like i am sinking. i feel like i cant breathe or walk or function. why i feel bad laughing and having fun and feel like i should be sad and crying all day everyday. this is where surrender must come in and Christ must take over.

i am hurt.  not just "kinda miffed at you because you said something off-handedly that wasnt aimed at me but still hurt me" hurt. like really heartfelt, painful hurt. i feel obliterated. i feel as if just taking my next breath might be too hard. thinking about all of these things all the time is exhausting. i am tired of being sad and hurt and getting re-hurt and getting newly hurt. i am tired of being at the bottom of people's list. i just wish that these people would take my feelings into account. i know that their feelings are totally valid, but so are mine. so are mine.

i dont know where to go from here. i am in this fog. i cant see what is in front of me and i am surrounded by my past and that is ALL that i can see.

i feel like my heart is feeling so many emotions that it's hard to pick just one to sit with. i find it interesting the things that happen when i just sit with an emotion. often times it leads to tears whether good or bad. in this release of emotion i feel like is God saying...i understand that words cant express it right now.
 

Romans 8:26-27

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

i often times find myself in my own heart, just groaning out of frustration with lack of words that express my feelings at the moment. there is a song that one of my favorite bands sing called "With Everything". there is a part in the song where the music plays and all you do in that moment is sing out "oh". i was lucky enough to go to their concert on Tuesday night at Staples Center. i stood there in a room of probably 40,000 people worshiping my creator. we spent three hours singing and dancing, but in these few moments was were i felt God the most. my heart has been so heavy that I dont really know what to say, and singing this word, i felt as if God knew exactly what my heart what telling him. here is a video of that song from the concert. (mind you i dont know the person video'ing this, just fyi) the part that i really liked was around 2:25.

 

as i stood there singing, my eyes getting all watery the only words that were in my head were thank you. i think that if i can sit with one emotion right now, something that is an overall theme of my life the past few weeks it is thankfulness. there are so many things to be thankful in my life. i am in a whole new stage of life now and it is amazing. granted not always easy or fun, but amazing. i feel like God has me at this exact place in this exact moment to reveal things about himself to me.

i could go on and on about all the things i am thankful for. but most of all i am thankful for friendships. whether or not they are close of not so close, boy or girl, old or young, i am thankful for the people that God place in my life.

i am beyond lucky. 

i am blessed.