as he whispers

i recently had a talk with a sweet friend of mine. we were talking about how sometimes we feel like there is no big sin issue in our lives, that we just feel okay. i talked about how that can easily lead into becoming stagnant and how that isnt what i want. we both felt that in that moment God wasnt really telling us something that we needed to work on, that he was just showing us grace and love from himself.

of course, after talking i prayed that if there was something that i need to work on or let go off that he would make it very clear to me. you see, for as long as i can remember i strive to listen to God's voice and his call on my heart. i think i miss it because it doesnt come in some fancy box. i have now realized that mine my not come with thunder and lightning but rather in a whisper to my heart, an overwhelming feeling. it penetrates my soul when given the oppotunity to sit quietly, its the first thing i can think about.

i was sitting in church on sunday morning and this happened. there is a relationship in my life that is quite frustrating. i cant tell what the reason is, but i know that it isnt right. we had a moment mid-sermon to quiet our hearts and listen to God. the FIRST thing that came to my mind was the talk to this person. to approach them and ask for forgiveness and reconcile the relationship. i knew it was God speaking because i couldnt let it go for the whole day. still now, as I sit here i am thinking constantly about the conversation i must have. i have been praying that it goes well and that neither they or i feel attacked.

i thought that was it, i thought that was all that God was going to give me. hahaha, i think that is what he does when I say things like that. later that night i went out to Biola with a few friends for a weekly worship service they have called Singspo. i LOVE this. as i was standing there worshipping listening to the words, I felt this overwhelming feeling of surrender. i felt that i had been holding onto my own life and my plans so tightly that I wasnt giving them to the one who deserves them. i fell to my knees asking that he would "rid me of myself". those words have been repeated in my heart over and over again for the past 2 days. rid me of myself. know that i am not my own.

this is a struggle. to give up what i want, and trusting that God knows better. i struggle giving up control. yet the joy of letting go is so much more than the joy i get from controlling my own life. i have to remember that.

i am not my own, rid me of myself father.

this song is the song that most reminded me of this thought. it resonates with my soul and expresses my heart in this moment.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart