Tuesday, March 8, 2011

the fog.

i am overwhelmed. completely and fully overwhelmed. in this moment, i feel like i am sinking, like i am drowning. i feel as if people are watching me fall and sink and either making it worse, or not doing anything to stop it. i dont think that people know how much i am hurting, i dont think i allow that part of me out to many people. i am stuck in this. i dont know where to go, i dont know what the next step is, i dont know how to feel. i feel lost and hopeless almost.

for all of you out there who read this, i know the Jesus answer. i know that i have hope and faith and things within him. but in this moment i am lost and hurt. i feel as if i cant bear the weight anymore of my life. i feel like everything is pilling up so much that i cant even breathe safely. i cant take a deep breath, i cant take a step or have a quiet moment without being overcome with  pain and hurt.

i feel like i could handle all these things if i were given them one at a time. i feel as if life would be manageable if i could do it one at a time. but i feel like God has allowed all these things at once and i cant even deal with each of them separately because they are all equally pressing in my life. they are all things that i cant just let sit while i deal with the other ones.

through all of this, i have been thinking and talking to a lot of wise people and i feel as if this is a place where surrender needs to be seen heavily within my heart. i feel like i am trying to carry all this on my own and that is why i feel like i am sinking. i feel like i cant breathe or walk or function. why i feel bad laughing and having fun and feel like i should be sad and crying all day everyday. this is where surrender must come in and Christ must take over.

i am hurt.  not just "kinda miffed at you because you said something off-handedly that wasnt aimed at me but still hurt me" hurt. like really heartfelt, painful hurt. i feel obliterated. i feel as if just taking my next breath might be too hard. thinking about all of these things all the time is exhausting. i am tired of being sad and hurt and getting re-hurt and getting newly hurt. i am tired of being at the bottom of people's list. i just wish that these people would take my feelings into account. i know that their feelings are totally valid, but so are mine. so are mine.

i dont know where to go from here. i am in this fog. i cant see what is in front of me and i am surrounded by my past and that is ALL that i can see.

1 comment:

  1. my lovely friend.. you'd love CR.
    its full of drowning, overwhelmed, helpless, struggling brothers and sisters in Christ.

    and through your struggles, your moments of being dragged under, your moments of helplessness.. you're honest with yourself and with God... and the fog lifts.
    not entirely at first, but slowly and surely.
    its the safest place i've ever been.
    and the most effective in coming up for air.