two roads

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I --

I took the one less traveled by

and that has made all the difference."

I often find myself in this tension. This tension of making the effort and choosing the harder road, or allowing myself to follow the easy path. Recently I have found myself distant. I have chosen to allow time, sleep, food, friends, family, tv, almost anything to get in the way..and in some way I was okay with it. I find myself weighing the options. Is the good feeling that good? Is that bad feeling worth it? I am here, sitting in this tension of choosing to be intentional in my relationship with my creator.

Sitting in the tension has forced me to think about my two options. Playing one versus the other, chosing to be intentional versus faking it. I see vividly what Matthew was talking about in chapter 7: 13-14, 

 

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few."

 

Sometimes I feel like I am just walking with my head down, only looking a few feet in front of me to see where I turn next only to finally look up and see where I am, on a path leading no where. I quickly run back to the intersection and choose the narrow road. Then again later I feel myself walking through brush  avoiding the path I was on and trying to find my way to the wide path again. It is a struggle. 

I once again come back to intersection. I take a moment to look at the two roads. I see one that is wide, beautiful, green, covered in flowers and sunshine. I looks easy, a nice stroll. No uphill or downhill, just a straight walk. I continue looking down and see the very thing I do not want, eternity away from my creator. No thank you. I rid myself of the desire for that for the moment. I bring my gaze to the other road. I sigh. There is a narrow, dark, rocky road ahead. I see a continual uphill road, a battle. I look further down and see my savior waiting there for me. Resting on a rock in the shade of a big oak tree. His arms our wide with the most genuine, joyful, loving smile on his face. I see him whisper something, I feel it in my heart, my soul. 

"Come to me"

This is my struggle. The continual walking through the brush  toward the easy road only to turn around and sprint to the ugly path.I do this knowing the outcome will be better than the other. While most times the wide road looks nicer, there is nothing to it. There is no joy, no true happiness. While the other may be scattered with hardships and struggle I chose this....because I chose Jesus.

i be jammin :)

a few photos of my trip up to nor cal

a deep breath.

this sunday in church Ron spoke on sin. my heart has been stuck there for a while. this message was one of deep conviction and raw emotion for me. he explained that in order to rid yourself of sin, you must turn away from it completely...in every sense of the word. he then gave our congregation an opportunity to give those sins God laid on our hearts up.

we each got a small piece of white paper and had the chance to write down a sin that we struggle with on that paper. we then were asked to walk up to the stage and place them in various buckets and those buckets were taken outside to a live video. we watched as each of those pieces of paper were thrown into a fire pit indicating that sin being given to God, surrendered.

to watch so many people in my church body, my home walk up there and place struggles into that bucket almost moved me to tears. i know for me, that illusion was something that will stick with me forever. the struggle i placed in that bucket is something that i have been running from with a deadly fear and i feel like writing it down on that paper was my way of turning around, facing it and saying...."bring it"

i have been dwelling and processing here of what this looks like and where I go from here. Ron encouraged us to tell someone what this struggle was. i am not there yet. i am praying that God softens my heart to be at that place soon.

something that i have been thinking about and just tonight read in Romans 8, is the battle between our righteousness and our flesh, our new versus old self. i often times allow my old self to jump right back in and take over and allow myself to go places i dont want to be. speaking with a friend a few days ago she said, its like getting up and choosing to put on a different set of clothes in the morning. you have to get up everyday and chose the "new self" set of jeans and a tee vs. the "old self" set. this idea resonated so greatly within me.

i have a silly little thing i do when i am feeling overwhelmed in any way either good or bad, i take a deep breath. when i breathe in i say to myself "breathe in the Holy Spirit" and when i breathe out i say " breathe out sin and everything bad within me". although it may seem odd to you, it makes the world of a difference to me. its a quick reminder that i have a powerful savior on my team/side and being reminded that he dwells within me like that is such a sense of comfort.

i have found myself doing that a lot more within the paste few days. when i am tempted to chose sin, i take a deep breath to remind myself. not that this is the end all be all, because sometimes i still chose sin...but it has helped me quite a few times.

so this week, tomorrow, this hour, the next minute...i will be taking  breaths to be reminded that the spirit of an strong, mighty, living God dwells within me.

K.A.D.

the end of may every year holds a very special place in my heart. you see 7 years ago at this time i met this girl. i barely knew her and she was a friend of a friend. we were having a church-wide picnic and this certain friend brought this other girl to the picnic. she was fairly quiet and sporting awesome black converse. little did i know that this new girl was number one going to become my best friend and number two going to change my life forever.

her name is kacie. she also blogs. i feel like if i had hours to spend writing about how she has changed my life i could do that without stopping. she is the most cherished friend i have and as her and i just discussed, a forever friend. 

 

let me back up and explain a little bit of how we got to where we are today. we met the summer before my  junior year and her sophomore year of high school. we instantly connected and alongside the initial friend became the "three amigas" 

we were attached at the hip the three of us. no doubt, no hindrances. we went together. everywhere and to everything.  we went through boyfriends, break-ups, camps, deaths, family stuff, you name is we did it. we experienced the best and worst with each other and i would not have it any other way.

being a year older than the other two, i was there to graduate first. being a part of my family of course they were there to celebrate my big day with me. i graduated and went on to Biola University. a whole 20 minutes away, though it felt like hours. getting sucked into the biola bubble wasnt something that i expected and so our friendship had a dip. because her and maggie we still in high school they became closer while i did college. 

when the two of them graduated, being family to them, was there.

after graduation, maggie went away to school and kacie was left in long beach. this allowed a special time in our frienship that helped just us grow together as friends. still being away at school made it difficult and i will admit that i wasnt the greatest friend.  but we made it. i ended up coming home from biola and our frienship began to flourish.

then along came TA in July of 2007. i kept hearing kacie talk about this new boy at college group at church that was just dreamy. her and i have never really shared the same taste in boys. i was a little nervous as i walked into the in n out that night to meet him. WOW! he was juts so adorbs in his glasses. he hardly even paid attention to me as we met because his eyes were glued to kacie.  so cute right. later on in the summer, the first time they hung out outside of college group was going to harvest crusade with me. here is kace and on that night:

we had a blast and as we drove home after dropping TA off, i just had a feeling about this guy....who knew he would play such an important role in our lives. over the next few months TA became more involved in kacie and i's life because he became kacies bf :) he was beyond sweet to her and he LOVED me. (which were both things that HAD to happen). 

kace and i were hanging out one night, most likely watching either dog the bounty hunter or lords of dogtown for the 500th time and eating out salad and fries from volcano burger. we were upstairs in the bathroom getting ready and kace looks at me and says "how do you know if you are in love?" that gave me my answer right there. we gushed out boys and how we loved and how we were loved. she talked about TA and i listened intently thinking "i have never been more sure of anything for her in my entire life" 

on Sept 19th, TA did the most romantic things ever and proposed to my kacie girl. here is her and i on that night at her surprise engagement party in my backyard.

 

the next few months until may 23, 2009 were a blur of wedding planning, new ideas, wedding dress shopping, bridesmaid dress shopping, planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party.  i had the honor of standing beside my kacie girl that day as her Maid of Honor. the wedding was beyond beautiful and so perfect for the two of them.

just 5 days ago they celebrated their two year anniversary and i couldnt been more happy for two people in love. they are disgusting perfect for each other and make me so proud of them. 

so, this year marks 7 years of knowing the most beautiful, self-less wonderful woman i know. my best friend.

kacie girl, you are my forever friend. my best bud. my girl. i couldnt have asked for a more perfect person to be my best friend. you've been there for me, through the highs and lows. through my mountains and valleys.  you are such an fantastic example of a woman who is submitted to Christs authority in her life and who daily desires a deeper and more real relationshipwith our sweet jesus. i am sitting here remembering your bachelorette party, looking into your eyes as i washed your feet thinking "i am so lucky i have her in my life". you are a true friend, in every sense of the word. you have taught me more than you know as i have watched you slightly from afar these past two years. i am excited to see how God leads our paths this upcoming year. i am so happy that you are a part of my life in such a deep rooted way. 

thank you for all that you have done, are doing and will do for me. you have changed me forever and i am eternally grateful to you. 

i love you kace <3

captivated

cap·ti·vate

–verb (used with object), -vat·ed, -vat·ing. 1. to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant:
  
i have recently become captivated, more so then in the past. i am enchanted by my savior. i have been praying that God would pull me in, that he would give me a HUGE desire for a deeper relationship with him. these past few days i feel like i just cant get enough.


words of worship songs are coming more real to me, they are hitting me in places ive never felt.

"My dead heart now is beating, My deepest stains now clean. Your breath fills up my lungs.Now I'm free. now I'm free"

i have sang these words so many times, but recently i actually sat and listened to the words. oh my goodness. HIS breath fills up my lungs. HIS breath. to know that God is dwelling, living, residing within me has been overwhelming. to know that my thoughts, words, actions no longer have to be my own but Christs. that i can rely on him to fill me up.

my heart feels so full and free. i cant explain this feeling. i am joyful in everything, i am praying more unwaveringly, i am loving more sacrificially, i am listening more intently, i am feeling more fully. and all of this is because i am captivated.



fill me up God.

its 90 degrees, where are you summer?

so, today it is a wonderful 90 degrees. i am sitting outside on a chair doing homework and blogging because its too fabulous to miss the sun. sometimes i hate the heat, but today i love it. it reminds me how lucky i am to live where i live. i love southern california. its only may 3rd and it feels like july.

speaking of summer, i only have 3 weeks left of school this semester (PTL) and then its party time. spring break was awesome, but i never feel like spring break is a tease of summer because im always busy with things. this time i went on a mission trip to san diego with jr.high and we worked there for 3 days. God was totally working in the hearts of my girls and one of them gave her life to jesus (again PTL). then i came home and was able to relax a little bit but then granny went into the hospital friday. she is out and fine now, but kinda scary none the less.

so, needless to say..i am ready for summer. although i am doing summer school. i am READY for the heat. reading a friends blog today, she had a list of things that she want so complete/do this summer. im a fan of this idea and decided to make a list of my own. here you go.

summer 2011

(( 1 )) go to the beach at least once a week (hopefully)

(( 2 )) get a tan 

(( 3 )) get great grades in my summer school classes

 (( 4 )) hang out with my friends all the time

(( 5 )) meet someone who can teach me to play guitar

(( 6 )) have 4 bonfires just cause

(( 7 )) have a GREAT 4th of july -- its my favorite holiday

(( 8 )) ride a motorcycle

(( 9 )) go on a road trip (mini or long)

(( 10 )) disciple one or two of my girls

(( 11 )) go on bike rides

(( 12 )) spend time in the sun everyday 

(( 13 )) wear more dresses

(( 14 )) do something really active 2 times a week

(( 15 )) deep clean my room, move furniture around, PAINT
(( 16 )) go camping
(( 17 )) hike to/see in person the Hollywood sign
(( 18 )) pierce my ears again
(( 19 )) take TONS of pictures
(( 20 )) make lots of fun playlists
(( 21 )) go on dates with Joe Boy
 (( 22 )) go to the orange county fair
 (( 23 )) ride the train somewhere for a day
 (( 24 )) throw another camping party/sleepover
(( 25 )) go to state street in Santa Barbara
 (( 26 )) go to venice
(( 27 )) go cliff/rock jumping somewhere
(( 28 )) start to garden
(( 29 )) tie dye party!
(( 30 )) go to the mountains to star-gaze at night
(( 31 )) go to a flea market
(( 32 )) boys vs. girls epic water war
(( 33 )) pull an all-nighter
(( 34 )) prank war
(( 35 )) play charades

i'll try to document all of these as i go :)

he took my place.

the cross is heavy on my heart today.

my mind wanders to what it would have been like to experience that. to look into the eyes of a man who sole purpose in life was to come and endure pain and death for me.

i look up into his face and expect anger or bitterness that he is there and i am not. resentment even, because that it what i would feel. anger that he must do this in my place. resentment that my sacrifice would not be enough. bitterness that he had to leave the fathers right side to come here.

as my gaze slowly meets his, i see love and forgiveness and acceptance and sacrifice and joy. i see love because he desires this for me. he wants to be my atonement. i see forgiveness for the men that are doing this too him. i see forgiveness my my past, present and future sins. i feel the blood washing off of me. i feel clean and pure. i am right with God. i see acceptance of my sinful self. i feel wanted and desired from someone who knows my full well. who created me beautifully and wonderfully. i see sacrifice of the highest. i see his willingness to do this. he knows that it is his fathers will, he must. i see joy. i see the meeting between him and his father. i see him seeing all the people who will follow him because of this. i see joy that he knows he is coming back to reign. i see love.

i am overwhelmed that i am worth that. this wasnt done as a quick fix, or an easy answer for righteousness. it was a well thought out plan. he knew what he was doing and was willing.

as i look at my life, i am so not worthy of any of this love. i am a wretched sinner who daily turns away from the one who loves and created me. the thought that a man would come and take my place in death is astounding. he did it for me, he did it for love. he did it so that i could be seen as he is. righteous.

oh how i love this. he came for me, he cherishes me, he longs for me, he enjoys me, he created me, he desires me, he pursues me, he died for me, he loves me

thank you father for you death today.