he took my place.

the cross is heavy on my heart today.

my mind wanders to what it would have been like to experience that. to look into the eyes of a man who sole purpose in life was to come and endure pain and death for me.

i look up into his face and expect anger or bitterness that he is there and i am not. resentment even, because that it what i would feel. anger that he must do this in my place. resentment that my sacrifice would not be enough. bitterness that he had to leave the fathers right side to come here.

as my gaze slowly meets his, i see love and forgiveness and acceptance and sacrifice and joy. i see love because he desires this for me. he wants to be my atonement. i see forgiveness for the men that are doing this too him. i see forgiveness my my past, present and future sins. i feel the blood washing off of me. i feel clean and pure. i am right with God. i see acceptance of my sinful self. i feel wanted and desired from someone who knows my full well. who created me beautifully and wonderfully. i see sacrifice of the highest. i see his willingness to do this. he knows that it is his fathers will, he must. i see joy. i see the meeting between him and his father. i see him seeing all the people who will follow him because of this. i see joy that he knows he is coming back to reign. i see love.

i am overwhelmed that i am worth that. this wasnt done as a quick fix, or an easy answer for righteousness. it was a well thought out plan. he knew what he was doing and was willing.

as i look at my life, i am so not worthy of any of this love. i am a wretched sinner who daily turns away from the one who loves and created me. the thought that a man would come and take my place in death is astounding. he did it for me, he did it for love. he did it so that i could be seen as he is. righteous.

oh how i love this. he came for me, he cherishes me, he longs for me, he enjoys me, he created me, he desires me, he pursues me, he died for me, he loves me

thank you father for you death today.

SGO

about once every 2 months, i have something called SGO (( small group out ))

last night was our 3rd or 4th of the year. we went 80's themed roller skating.

it was quite an adventure. see, we got to the roller rink to find out that the "free skate" or wednesday nights had been cancelled because a church has rented it out. boo. good thing we were right around the corner from boomers. we thought on our feet and decided to go mini golfing instead.

here is a photo of us waiting for everyone to get there:

finally everyone had arrived! a girl in my small group brought a friend. this friend (lauren) had a mom that wasnt happy that we didnt get to go roller skating. she said she was going to go talk to the pastor of that church and she if she could get us in.

SHE DID IT! so we ended up crashing Calvary Chapel Huntington Beach's Family Skate night.

it was so awesome. we were decked out in our 80's gear and they looked at us all funny, but we didnt mind!

here are some photos from the evening!

 

::this one might be my fav:: 

just a little too much

do you even get so overcome with love that you feel like it bursting out of you?

thats how i feel when i look at this boy. everytime. all the time.

i love him so much.

never thought i had the ability to love this much.

the last four.

well, here are the last 4 days of my 30 day blog challenge. have to admit, kinda happy about it :)

day 27 -- your day in great detail. 

friday april 15th contained:

7-10 - work.
10-1020 -went home and got changed
1045-1- met Cheryl at her apartment, walked down Bluff Park and down 2nd to Shorehouse Cafe and had a fabulous sandwich. loved it. walked back down to her apartment on Long Beach beach and was so happy. got a little bit sunburned, but was totally okay with it.
130-330 - cleaned the bathroom, finished laundry, cleaned the dishes and kitchen
330-630-  went to the airport with mom to pick up cousin sarah from south dakota, drove to costco, got dinner ((pizza, salad, chocolate cake,diet coke)), heard a girl (probs 17ish) screaming at her mom, cussing at her and kicking her feet cause she "didnt want to go f***ing home." (nice girl right?)
630-930- at home, ate dinner, went on the roof with joe boy, played with joe, talked, hung out
930-? - layed around the house, played on the computer, watched TV and went to bed. pretty great if i do say so myself.


day 28 -- a picture of you last year and now. how have you changed since then.

then:

now:
 

i have changed a lot since that time. the first picture was taken on spring break last year (2010) and the new picture was taken last tuesday at the Chris Tomlin concert. some things that have changed since then, dont have a boyfriend, working in jr. high again, got front bangs, loving my family more, Jesus is more real to me, friendships are more real to me. there has been a lot of growth in my life since then. i have had experiences that have broken me and allowed me to get stronger and become who i am. i also have things that are so great that i am able to share with the lovely people who surround me all the time.


day 29 -- a song that makes you cry (or nearly)

i have two:

carrie underwood: ill stand by you

bob carlisle:  butterfly kisses

day 30 -- explain how you got one of your scars

 well, when i was in hawaii last summer. the family and i went to Kipu Falls. ((so fun!)) it is like a 2 story tall cliff that has a lakeish thing at the bottom. so, i jumped off. it was fantastic! my nerves were so high that when i finally swam to the side to get out, i was shaking. i climbed up the janky ladder that was there and was walking back over to jump again. i was so excited and jumpy that i didnt notice there was like this dark abyss beneath my right foot, i slipped down and scrapped the crap out of my shin and bruised it. at the time it didnt hurt because my adrenaline was so high. after that wore off it hurt. so, yeah. pretty cool story :)

30 blogs in 30 days -- DAY 24-26

took a few days off to tell you about my life. so here is another catch up day.

day 24 -- a letter to your parents

dear mom and dad,

thank you. i feel as if those words could be said every second of every day for the rest of my life and it wouldnt be enough. thank you. i love you forever and always.

love,
me


day 25 -- what would i find in your purse.

mirror, keys, phone, chapstick, lip gloss, pens and pencils, wallet, planner, notebook, glasses, sunglasses, advil bottle, word search

day 26 -- what do you think about your friends.

i think they are the bomb.com. i have awesome friends who are so loyal and fab. im a lucky lucky girl.

i am part of a symphony.

1  Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord from the heavens;
praise him in the heights!2  Praise him, all his angels;
praise him, all his hosts!

3  Praise him, sun and moon,
praise him, all you shining stars!4  Praise him, you highest heavens,
and you waters above the heavens!

5  Let them praise the name of the Lord!
For he commanded and they were created.6  And he established them forever and ever;
he gave a decree, and it shall not pass away.t

7  Praise the Lord from the earth,
you great sea creatures and all deeps,8  fire and hail, snow and mist,
stormy wind fulfilling his word!

9  Mountains and all hills,
fruit trees and all cedars!10  Beasts and all livestock,
creeping things and flying birds!

11  Kings of the earth and all peoples,
princes and all rulers of the earth!12  Young men and maidens together,
old men and children!

13  Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for his name alone is exalted;
his majesty is above earth and heaven.14  He has raised up a horn for his people,
praise for all his saints,
for the people of Israel who are near to him.
Praise the Lord! 

last night i went to a chris tomlin concert.  i went with my 4 best friends and it was the best night I have had in a long time. sometimes i feel like God uses peoples stories to push into my heart. last night he used Louie Giglio. that man is so insane in love with jesus it pours out of him. during the middle of the concert, louie came out and started talking about psalm 148 (above). he describes how there are so many things in this world that create a symphony for Christ, an audible symphony. he let us listen to two different stars that rotate on their axis a certain number of times a second and it makes this awesome sound, one like a drum and one like different notes right after the other. he then let us listen to whales singing. he then combined them all together and added it "how great is our god" chorus and it was the most moving thing. i got chills as the tears rolled down my face. 

here is a video of all the sounds complied. SO moving. (this was in baltimore, but it was the same thing as we heard!)

 i mean, how insane is that? so beautiful. and to think that is only a small bit of what God hears at all times. he went on to explain hod God wants YOU to be a part of this beautiful symphony. he desires YOUR voice. so insane. this was one very moving and incredible experience. 

as he whispers

i recently had a talk with a sweet friend of mine. we were talking about how sometimes we feel like there is no big sin issue in our lives, that we just feel okay. i talked about how that can easily lead into becoming stagnant and how that isnt what i want. we both felt that in that moment God wasnt really telling us something that we needed to work on, that he was just showing us grace and love from himself.

of course, after talking i prayed that if there was something that i need to work on or let go off that he would make it very clear to me. you see, for as long as i can remember i strive to listen to God's voice and his call on my heart. i think i miss it because it doesnt come in some fancy box. i have now realized that mine my not come with thunder and lightning but rather in a whisper to my heart, an overwhelming feeling. it penetrates my soul when given the oppotunity to sit quietly, its the first thing i can think about.

i was sitting in church on sunday morning and this happened. there is a relationship in my life that is quite frustrating. i cant tell what the reason is, but i know that it isnt right. we had a moment mid-sermon to quiet our hearts and listen to God. the FIRST thing that came to my mind was the talk to this person. to approach them and ask for forgiveness and reconcile the relationship. i knew it was God speaking because i couldnt let it go for the whole day. still now, as I sit here i am thinking constantly about the conversation i must have. i have been praying that it goes well and that neither they or i feel attacked.

i thought that was it, i thought that was all that God was going to give me. hahaha, i think that is what he does when I say things like that. later that night i went out to Biola with a few friends for a weekly worship service they have called Singspo. i LOVE this. as i was standing there worshipping listening to the words, I felt this overwhelming feeling of surrender. i felt that i had been holding onto my own life and my plans so tightly that I wasnt giving them to the one who deserves them. i fell to my knees asking that he would "rid me of myself". those words have been repeated in my heart over and over again for the past 2 days. rid me of myself. know that i am not my own.

this is a struggle. to give up what i want, and trusting that God knows better. i struggle giving up control. yet the joy of letting go is so much more than the joy i get from controlling my own life. i have to remember that.

i am not my own, rid me of myself father.

this song is the song that most reminded me of this thought. it resonates with my soul and expresses my heart in this moment.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart