Sunday, January 30, 2011

im letting go.

recently i have been trying to trust more. trust God, trust my family, trust my friends, trust my boyfriend and even myself.

trust is : reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
as i read over this and other definitions of this word, i sat with this one. the idea of reliance on anything other than myself is scary. to let go and allow another person to take care of something that you feel that you can handle is nerve racking. after spending some time pondering recently and having a few good talks with some really important people in my life i see that the people i am struggling the most to trust are people who have NEVER given me any reason to not trust them.

i laid in my bed last night thinking about letting go. what that looks like. allowing my heart to release control. today has been a day of trust for me. as people said things to me, i took them at their word and didnt think to much into it, as i was in church this morning i sang songs feeling wholeheartedly that Christ has my back in everything i will do or have done. i found myself easily addressing surrender and being willing to let go.

this has been a struggle my whole life of desiring trust and surrender but not really ever giving in to let Christ take full control. it was as if he was sitting in the drivers seat, but i was still steering. not that i am saying that i am perfect and have perfected this problem literally overnight. but i see a difference. i feel a difference.   

i have seen myself let go. i feel myself let go. i feel the rush of comfort and surrender fall over my body as i lay my life down in front of Christ's throne and give it back. i lie face down begging for mercy and i give back my broken, wounded, shattered heart that i kept trying to put band-aids on when really it need his hands to hold and mend. i see and feel my desire to see him as Lord. i feel the longing for the burden of carrying my life on my own to be lifted. i look in Christs face as tears fall down. tears of joy as he sees His child give back what if rightfully His. i feel the love he pours on me and sees how he looks at me as righteous rather than sinful. he looks down at my life that is in shambles. he picks it up piece by piece and puts it back together. he picks up my life and holds it together. 

all i can do is praise.

i'm in a relationship with the creator of the freaking universe and i am just now realizing how it feels to surrender wholeheartedly to him? this is such a sweet, wonderful place for me. God is teaching me so much, he is transforming my mind. my thoughts have become his, my heart has been taken captive with his blood. he is beyond what i deserve and yet he desires me. 

praise you Lord. praise you.

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