so as i talked about in my first post, i am going through the process of "self-examination". a lot of this was spurred on by a comment made to me about my friendships. this comment lead me to start evaluating my friendships and debating whether or not each relationship was beneficial for me at the stage/point/place in my life. looking at my relationships that i have/had, i see hurt-- on both sides.
this process has been extremely hard. figuring out whether or not you these people you call friends, are friends or acquaintances is a rough road. these examinations have lead to nights of tears and heart break on my behalf. realizing that out there in this HUGE world of people i'm all alone. yes i have, "friends". the ones i call to hang out or go to dinner with, the ones that i call to catch up, the ones get together to do hw or go to the movies, the people that come to my birthday parties and i go to theirs. but where are the ones that are there when i am crying myself to sleep at night, or when my parents are fighting again and i just cant take it, where are the ones that are there when i just need to talk and they see it in my face?, where are the ones that call me, text me, fb me. where are the ones that are there when my life is flipped upside down? no where. coming to the realization that i am "the side friend" in many relationships. my friends all have their own best friend and i am the other one. i'm no ones best friend. that sucks
this has lead me to have to fend for myself recently. i've "tested" per say some people whom i call friends to see what would happen if i dont initiate things. you know where that lead me? two months of doing nothing. two months of questioning whether i am worth having friends. two months of negativity, depression and self doubt. and no one to talk to it about. two months of being alone.
this process has been insane. and i am far from done. many things have led me to think about well maybe its me. maybe i am the one with the problem and that i dont have friends because there is something wrong with me. what have i done that is so bad that i dont have a best friend. that im just the on the side? i mean come on, mashed potatos are great--but when they come with a steak you'll always choose the main course. what have i done to deserve to be the mashed potatoes to everyone? its not fair. i deserve happiness.
thinking through this and examining things i have thought a lot about what kind of friends that i have, the kind of friends that i want and the friend that i would like to be. finding the things in the peoplethat are hurtful and not good for me, in addition to the things that are great for me. figuring out what kind of friend i need. i need people to pull me out. i was not born naturally vulnerable, this may stem from issues that i have with trust from my past, but nonetheless im not a open person. i need people to see that i need to talk and pull it out of me. i need people who know me well enough to know how to read me and help others to do the same. i need someone who calls me. i need someone who seeks me, i need someone who desires to spend time with me, getting to know me, hearing my good and my bad. i need people who i can vent to about my life, i need people to bounce ideas off, i need people who are going to encourage me in ever aspect of my life. i need people. and i have very few.
i think that if i am asking for this type of friend, i need to not only be this type of friend, but do all this genuinely and lovingly. i want people to know that they are known , cherished and loved by at least me in the world. i feel this about all my friends now, but am completely unsure if this feeling is reciprocated. they deserve the world in a friendship. i need to be the person that puts others above myself. i need to be so in love with jesus that his love and advice will spew out of me if asked. i need to be non-critical and non-judgmental.
this is my life these past two months. this is my heart break. these are my feelings laid bare in front of you all. quite liberating!
i need to be known, i need to be loved, i need to feel important and not just second best. i cant do life on my own anymore. i need friends. i need people to love me and care for me. i need to feel invested in. i need to feel missed. i need to feel wanted when i walk in a room. i need to feel like more then just a silly conversation every month. i need connection.
despite all my heart strings being pulled this way, i was able to put myself out there with a few girls recently. i was able to display all this for them and to have them look at me with tears in their eyes and hug me was more than i could have asked for in that moment. so to you, i am so thankful. to have someone to listen, feel my pain and desire to see me not have that anymore was phenomenal. to have people in my life who want to be there for me, who want to pull me out. they are so special to me. i am forever thankful. you have pulled me out of my pit and back into life.
Christ has been working so beautifully in my heart throughout all of this. all the while feeling alone and sad, i felt Him. i felt his presence even when i was yelling at him, complaining or frustrated he was there. he was there to catch my tears the nights i went to sleep with a wet pillow, he was there when i sat on my bed wishing my phone would ring, he was there as i checked my facebook daily hoping that someone would say something to me. he was also there when i was rejected. he was there when i watched my brother leave night after night to go out with his friends and helped me through my jealousy. he was there all i had was myself. despite my horrible depression, i had hope. i knew that i would come out of this stronger. i knew that he wouldnt let me drown. i knew that he wouldnt let his precious baby feel this horrible forever. i knew it was a stage and i knew i would move through it.
he has been so faithful in my life. he has been so faithful. although i didnt see it then, i see it now. he has been faithful. his faithfulness is something that i cling to. many times it is all i have. his mercy on my poor soul when is all that i need. his strength to pull me out of satan arms and allow me to turn away again amazes me. who am i? why does he fight for my heart? God, you are so good. so good.
living in Christs love.