here i am, opening my heart up to the world. this is me. take it or leave it. i'm trying to learn to be more vulnerable and I guess this is a good start. i'm trying to work on figuring out my emotions and processing my thoughts and writing them down helps me understand myself. i am in a new stage of self-examination..which SUCKS. this new place of putting my feelers out and trying to let the world see the real me. trying to figure out how Jesus has created me just the way that he wanted me and learning to be content with that. i struggle with the thought that how i am is how he chose me to be- faults and all.
i'm learning to understand myself in a different way and be honest with myself and how i am. this is a new me. i'm turning over a new leaf. today begins a new way of thinking, working and living for this girl.
jesus has transformed me and looking at me, you wouldnt know it. that's not good enough. there needs to be a bigger and more crazy change. isnt he worth it? my heart says yes, but my actions say no. what is that? LAME. let's be honest with myself here, i strive for Christ to be the first in my life-- but realistically he's not
i think it all starts with the understanding that he created me. he created the yearns and desires in my heart to be loved and protected, cherished and wanted, pursued and prized above all else. he knows this. he knew it would be a struggle. he knew that i would place all those desires on people and be let down every time. he knew that this day would come that i would start to realize that i can count on no one but HIM. he is the constant source of love, encouragement, protection, desire and pursuit. if only my head would get that. if only i could fully know that:
> he is the lover of my soul.
> he is the protector that i long for, who protects the most vulnerable parts of my heart with a vast army of 1.
> he is the one who cherishes me like i am the only one in the world for him.
> he wants me. all of me. the beautiful, the ugly, the sinful, the holy, the broken and shamed dirty parts of my heart that even i dont want to acknowledge. he wants it. he wants it.
> he pursues me. the creator of the universe is relentless in his pursuit of me. he desires a deep connection with me, little ole me :)
> he thinks of me as a prize. i am what he wants to win. i am something worth fighting for.
the way he created me is beautifully laid out here:
"when i created the heavens and earth, i spoke them into being. when i created man, i formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. but you, woman, i fashioned after i breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. i allowed a deep sleep to come over him so i could patiently and perfectly fashion you. man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. from one bone i fashioned you. i chose the bone that protects mans life. i chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. around this one bone, i shaped you...i modeled you... i created you perfectly and beautifully. your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. you provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. his heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. the rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. support man as the rib cage supports the body. you were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head , to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side. you are my perfect angel...you are my beautiful little girl...you have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill with tears when i see the virtues in your heart...your eyes..dont change them. your lips...how lovely when they part in prayer, your move..so perfect in form. your hands...so gentle to touch. i've caressed your face in deepest sleep. i've held your heart close to mine. of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like me. adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. he could not see me or touch me. he could only feel me. so everything i wanted adam to share and experience with me, i fashioned in you, my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support. you are special because you are an extension of me. man represents my image, woman my emotions. together, you represents the totality of God"
be blessed...psalm 139:14