the fog.

i am overwhelmed. completely and fully overwhelmed. in this moment, i feel like i am sinking, like i am drowning. i feel as if people are watching me fall and sink and either making it worse, or not doing anything to stop it. i dont think that people know how much i am hurting, i dont think i allow that part of me out to many people. i am stuck in this. i dont know where to go, i dont know what the next step is, i dont know how to feel. i feel lost and hopeless almost.

for all of you out there who read this, i know the Jesus answer. i know that i have hope and faith and things within him. but in this moment i am lost and hurt. i feel as if i cant bear the weight anymore of my life. i feel like everything is pilling up so much that i cant even breathe safely. i cant take a deep breath, i cant take a step or have a quiet moment without being overcome with  pain and hurt.

i feel like i could handle all these things if i were given them one at a time. i feel as if life would be manageable if i could do it one at a time. but i feel like God has allowed all these things at once and i cant even deal with each of them separately because they are all equally pressing in my life. they are all things that i cant just let sit while i deal with the other ones.

through all of this, i have been thinking and talking to a lot of wise people and i feel as if this is a place where surrender needs to be seen heavily within my heart. i feel like i am trying to carry all this on my own and that is why i feel like i am sinking. i feel like i cant breathe or walk or function. why i feel bad laughing and having fun and feel like i should be sad and crying all day everyday. this is where surrender must come in and Christ must take over.

i am hurt.  not just "kinda miffed at you because you said something off-handedly that wasnt aimed at me but still hurt me" hurt. like really heartfelt, painful hurt. i feel obliterated. i feel as if just taking my next breath might be too hard. thinking about all of these things all the time is exhausting. i am tired of being sad and hurt and getting re-hurt and getting newly hurt. i am tired of being at the bottom of people's list. i just wish that these people would take my feelings into account. i know that their feelings are totally valid, but so are mine. so are mine.

i dont know where to go from here. i am in this fog. i cant see what is in front of me and i am surrounded by my past and that is ALL that i can see.